A few weeks back, I came up with the idea taking my dad on a canoe trip for Fathers' Day. I gave him a call and he was totally on board. I was excited too. Why?
Was it because he used to take me canoeing as a boy and teach me all about being a good man? Was it because we'd have lunch on the boat and he'd occasionally slip me a sip of his ice-cold Budweiser as our dog obediently watched?
Was it because he's always been an outdoorsmen who loves to get away from it all and find serenity in nature. Is it because he believes that all life's answers can be found in nature, if you know where to look?
No. Not even close. My dad grew up working his butt off in Saigon and was in the army by the time he was 18. He is a city-boy. He got a whole lot of outdoor time during the war. Nature is interesting to him, but not a place he goes for guidance. My dad is a great dad, but he is quietly great. He has made so much from so little and I have never once heard him boast. To appreciate how cool he is, you need to watch the kind way he treats others and hear the great stories and lessons he thoughtfully shares.
In truth, there are really two reasons why I decided to take my dad canoeing this past Father's Day. First, my dad is an incredibly generous man who rarely spends money on himself. Beyond fiddling around on his guitar once in a while, he doesn't have any particular hobbies that take up his time or money. I once bought him a book about a dad's dedication to his son. I haven't heard about it or even seen it in his house since that day.
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| The book I bought him. |
He is truly a "put others first" type of man and, therefore, a really difficult person to buy gifts for. Seriously, he just takes hangs out with my mom, makes sure his grown kids are doing okay, works hard at his job, and takes care of his house, car, etc. His greatest passion these days is spending time and playing with his little granddaughter. It will be some time before I can get him one of those, so I was challenged with finding a meaningful gift. I eventually came up with the idea of creating unique memories for him each Father's Day from now on. I will find an activity or experience he has never had and would never pursue alone and share it with him each year. This year? Canoeing.
The other reason I chose canoeing is because I knew it would give us an opportunity to talk. Actually, I was more interested in having a chance to listen to my dad talk. With me, he has always wanted to explain life lessons he has acquired through tough times and challenges. These talks were not always welcomed when I was a teenager or in my early 20s. I didn't think I needed them and I wasn't sure my dad knew what he was talking about. Now that I am older, I realize how much of that stuff I soaked up and how I much of my professional and personal philosophies come from things he said to me back then.
Even more important is how I now realize that it's not all about what I can get from these talks. I now realize that, like me, my father wants and needs to express himself. Listening is something I can do for him and it satisfies him more than any gift card or polo shirt I can buy. So how could I make him happy on Father's Day? Letting him be my father and giving him the opportunity to talk seemed to be be the best choice for a gift. Canoeing seemed to provide a good space for this.
So I picked him up early Sunday morning around 9:30 and we headed out to Chester County for your 11 o'clock reservation for 1 canoe. As I expected, we talked the entire way. I can't recall every part of the talk, but he did give me some of his thoughts on work, finances, relationships, and family. Looking back, its nice to know that what is constantly on my mind is also what my dad often thinks about as well. I guess this is what I appreciate most about my relationship with him at this point. He is still the impressive man that I have always looked up to, but he has become evermore human to me with time. And as I learn more about him as a person, I'm regularly pleased to find out how similarly we see the world. There are definitely numerous issues we still disagree about, but realizing that he still accepts me unconditionally in spite of our differences is the most important lesson I'm learning these days. Its not about always agreeing. Allowing those we care about to express themselves, learning about them, respectfully disagreeing, genuinely appreciating, but overall accepting them unconditionally is key. It's often a challenge, but it's how you show you care.
Oh yeah, canoeing was a great time. We both had fun. I'm looking forward to another new experience next year.
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